My Schooling Years

I had no idea at all of who I was and everytime I came at home from school and was alone I cried alot, I even beat myself repeatedly telling myself what was wrong with me, why was I not normal like others, how is it just so hard to fit in and talk normally to others? These questions surrounded me over and over again tormenting me to give an answer but to no avail. It was a repeat cycle for me. I tell you the truth I was going mad literally. Right from my primary school years upto the university level I went through this, torturing myself and trying so hard to keep face.

Just being able to write and share this with you is something else, I realize that I have come a long way with God’s help. I would not have reached here if it wasn’t for God, truth be told. I do  not know where you get your strength from each day to face the world but it is my wish truly that you look up to Him our Savior and Creator. He is the only one who understands us inside out. I tell you the truth no amount of counseling from anyone would heal my wounds. It was not easy for me, none of my family members know what I went through throught my life up until now, I chose to keep quiet and speak only to God. They will never understand me or even take the time to which I have also overcome and live as I go.

The fact that I know where my strength comes from, that’s all that matters. I have settled that in my mind and I have found inner peace that surpasses all human understanding.

During my primary years I remember as far back as grade 3 where I wanted to fit in with the girls who were popular, I tried to copy their behaviors, how they walked, dressed… this went on but I couldn’t cut it at all. I was just extra different, they didn’t even like me. It’s like they smelled my introversion or something, so I slowly drew back to my cocoon and remained as an observer hoping someone will approach me for friendship.

I remember in grade 6 I was atleast at my happiest point because I had found a friend whom we shared same interests. I could sit with her and talk without overthinking, we played together, studied together, visited and called each other and do normal things best friends do. I felt settled at this time and was happy going to school. This friendship did not last, it was just for a few months. Her parents transferred her to another school, oh my, it was as if my world crambled down infront of me. I was just so down and depressed even those words don’t do any justice to how I felt at the time. 

I think this marked the beginning of my depression. Back then I would not understand what was happening to me the way I understand it now clearly. These days I used to be angry and blame God for all of my problems. I could not share any of my feelings with anyone even my siblings. Me being quiet people thought I was okay…I was not. I remember even though I was angry at God most of the times I still prayed and asked Him to help me get through what I was going through. I tell you these silent prayers you make from your heart are heard loud and clear by God. He slowly heals you through whatever it is that you are facing, nothing my dear friends is hard for Him. 

We live in a world that wants quick solutions to our problems, yet the word of God says that He is a long-suffering God – He is patient with us in that He endures our offenses and patiently calls us to repentance rather than promptly punish us…He does not wish that any should perish and that all should reach repentance. Yes, God was that patient with me throughout the years and I have seen His goodness and glory, I just cannot look back I am moving forward with Him until my last breath.

I struggled with my pent up feelings of unworthiness, lifelessness, depression and so on and still not having learnt anything I continued to search for someone to make me feel worth it, as if important but no one cared. So these buildups made me hide more and more in my cocoon still hoping. What even made it more worse for me were the breakouts of acne and pimples on my face, oh my, it was hell on earth. I felt more ugly as I looked around other girls my age who had clear and smooth faces, I wondered what was really happening to me. 

Come to look at it now I think it was the underlying issues that I had suppressed finding its way out. Maybe. To this day I have still been struggling with acne though not as bad as decades ago. Introversion is still with me and is here to stay, I just have to keep learning how to handle it, that’s all.